“I like privacy. I like knowing certain thoughts and issues I’m dealing with are known by no one else. There is satisfaction in handling the stuff of life by myself and resolving it. It’s a good feeling. It’s comfortable—reassuring.

“Others tell me I need to talk about it, to share my inner self with people, especially my wife. But why? What’s in it for me? What good will sharing my feelings accomplish? I think I can handle what’s going on, but I wonder if anyone else can. My wife might not understand. She might be threatened by what I share...or want to resolve it with me.

“So then we talk about it for some time. It’s not private anymore. It’s not mine anymore. It’s like someone let down the drawbridge to my castle and invaders disrupted everything. I’d rather control the drawbridge myself. And if I need help or assistance, then I’ll ask for it. I think....”

Sound familiar? It’s a monologue that could be voiced by any number of men.

Who can understand the inner workings of a man’s mind? Oh, that we could x–ray the thought processes of the adult male. I am one of them—a man around age 60. That is not an easy admission, either to say or to write. It has a sense of finality to it, like going into the fourth quarter of the football game of life.

When a man turns 50, he is thinking about changes. The clock is ticking and he no longer thinks if I die, but when I die. He no longer thinks about what he can accomplish and achieve, but what he can do with the time he has left before he dies.

I feel that way. Most other men approaching the sixtieth year of their lives do, too. I continually ask myself, “What do I want to do and enjoy in the years remaining, and how can I be used for God’s kingdom in these years?”

Almost 10 years before writing this book, I wrote my first book about men. I was younger then, and this is what I said about where I was in life:

Joyce and I will turn 50 in 1987. I tended to ignore my 40th birthday, but I have considered more and more how to celebrate this next milestone in a special way. Why? Perhaps it’s a way of accepting, facing, and welcoming the half-century mark. This also involves recognizing all that God has done for me during times of delight, enjoyment, fun, unique experiences, pain, sorrow, and loss. It is a time of thanking Him for bringing a fullness and meaning to life no matter what has occurred. It is also a way of saying I am ready for whatever He has in the future—and it is all right not to know what to expect. That’s risky. The unknown and unpredictable become the known and predictable because of who is in charge of my life and life itself.1

I had forgotten I’d written that. But I believed it then, and I continue to believe it for the upcoming 10 years.

I wrote in those days about the unknown and unpredictable. Little did I know then that one of those unforeseen events would be the death of my 22-year-old retarded son. As parents, we never expect to outlive our children, but it does happen. Matthew’s entrance into my life changed me, so did his departure. I talk about it freely. I have to. I need to. Most men don’t talk about such experiences, except within their own minds.

It is easier for us to talk to ourselves because there is no risk involved that way. We like our privacy; but privacy carries a high price tag and one of its costly premiums is silence. Silence shouts loudly in relationships. It can be deafening. It conveys a plurality of messages. It is fraught with potential for great misunderstanding.

Silence leaves in its wake responses that range from wonderment to confusion. Silence frustrates. It raises concern, generates doubts, distances people from one another and does very little to create positive relationships. Silence compels us to ask questions.

Men ask, “Is it me? Am I the only one to feel or think this way? Am I odd or normal? Does anyone else struggle with this? Why can’t I be different? Must I change? Is it possible to change? Am I OK as I am? Why do I feel as if something is missing inside of me? What would others think if I revealed this to them? Would I be accepted or rejected? What if I don’t know what to do? What if I do the right thing, or the wrong thing?”

In his book The Seven Seasons of a Man’s Life, Patrick Morley takes this questioning even further:

Men today are filled with anger, fears, worries, and doubts. They are under a great deal of stress. It often takes two incomes just to keep up. The half-life of a college education is about four years. Every other marriage ends in divorce.

The world’s answers have not worked. Men find themselves feeling empty inside, like there is something missing. They are lonely and wonder, What is the meaning of it all? Men feel guilty about their pasts and are afraid of their futures. Men today want something satisfying. Even in the church, especially in the church, men are hungry for God. A pervasive feeling is that “there must be more—there’s gotta be.” Men are coming to the end of themselves. They are reaching out for answers.2

Notes
1. H. Norman Wright, Understanding the Man in Your Life (Dallas: Word, Inc., 1987), p. 160.
2. Patrick Morley, The Seven Seasons of a Man’s Life (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1995), p. 33.
3. Larry Crabb, The Silence of Adam (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1995), pp. 11, 12.
4. Max Lucado, Six Hours One Friday (Dallas: Word, Inc., 1989), pp. 37, 38.
5. Verne Becker, The Real Man Inside (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House., 1992), p. 15.
6. Crabb, op. cit., p. 176.
7. Cited in Bill McCartney’s, What Makes a Man (Colorado Springs: NavPress, 1992), p. 137.
8. Herb Goldberg, Ph.D., What Men Really Want (New York: Signet Books, 1991), pp. 61-62, adapted.
9. Gary J. Oliver, Real Men Have Feelings, Too (Chicago: Moody Press, 1993), p. 37.
10. David Mains, Healing the Dysfunctional Church Family (Wheaton, Ill.: Victor Books, 1992), p. 123.

H. Norman Wright is a licensed Marriage, Family and Child Therapist. He was formerly Director of the Graduate Department of Marriage, Family and Child Counseling at Biola University as well as an Associate Professor of Psychology. He has taught graduate school for over twenty-five years at Talbot School of Theology and the Graduate Department of Marriage and Family Counseling at Biola University  Dr. Wright is the founder and director of Christian Marriage Enrichment, a national organization designed to train ministers and lay leaders in counseling and enrichment.

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